
I was very fond of the Battle Beasts, and not so much for the reasons extolled in the commercial. Their gimmick was a rub-and-reveal sticker on the armor of each figure, with fire, water, and wood assigned at random. The beasts’ battles took place in rock-paper-scissors format; fire and water’s attributes were clear, and wood technically bested water by floating on it. Yes, that was a stretch, but it wasn’t the competitive aspect of Battle Beasts that I liked anyway. I thought the figures were highly cool on their own merits. They were only a little larger than Army Ants or M.U.S.C.L.E. or a number of other small-scale toys, but Battle Beasts were far more detailed and varied, combing animals with cybernetic attire worthy of any 1980s mecha anime.

BLOODTHIRSTY BISON
Let’s start with one of my favorites. Technically his name’s Bloodthirsty Bison, but I was largely unaware of the official titles for any Battle Beasts. I quickly picked him as the leader, named him Taurus, called his ram counterpart Aries, and thought I was clever. This would be the limit of my Battle Beast nomenclatures, though, because I just called most of the others things like Bearton and Boarton.

MINER MOLE
There’s something inherently cute about Battle Beasts, even when they’re positioned as a warlike throng of cyber-suited lions and eagles and iguanas. Miner Mole captures this well; despite all the technological adornments, our mole has a little nose and rounded head that would fit in any Russel Hoban children’s book. Also note the giant claw. A shovel would make more sense for a mole, but it wouldn’t look as cool. Besides, maybe a cyborg burrowing mammal has to use it in combat with all the giant mechanized grubs and insects awaiting underground.
You’ll note that Battle Beasts tend to lose their rub stickers over the years, and the stickers that remain often degrade to the point where they no longer show their fire-water-wood symbols. I’m sure some collectors prize figures with intact stickers (or apply their own replacements), but I pay no mind to that detail. When I was a kid I actually peeled the symbols off so my legion of Beasts would all be friends and not squabble over social constructs like fire, water, and wood. I was a strange child, but it’s saving me money on my Battle Beast budget years down the road.

POWERHOUSE MOUSE AND HUNCHBACK CAMEL
These two are grouped by a curious designation. While Battle Beasts originated in Japan and saw more toys released there, Powerhouse Mouse and Hunchback Camel were by all available accounts never sold on the Japanese market. They’re Western exclusives, and they’re fairly neat figures. I like Camel’s uniform desert color scheme and the look of sheer derangement that Mouse wears. If you go by the size of their real-world animal counterparts, Powerhouse Mouse might be the smallest of the Battle Beasts next to the spider, and you've got to put up an imposing front.
Battle Beasts were most commonly sold in pairs, though some were in larger sets. Usually the two-packs matched up the Beasts by number, so the Mouse and Camel would not have been available together. However, I’d swear than many of the sets I bought in Germany had the figures randomly bundled in defiance of their numbers and proper Teutonic alles-in-Ordnung structure. And today, when Beasts are randomly strewn about secondhand shops and eBay listings, it’s sometimes satisfying to reunite them with their store-shelf companions like they’re mismatched partners on the police force. They’re Powerhouse Mouse and Hunchback Camel, teaming up to catch a killer and finally get a trip to Japan.

MUSKY OX
Take a close look at Musky’s hands. Yes, that’s right. His arms are upside down. This could be a manufacturing error, but I suspect it was the work of a former owner who yanked off Musky’s limbs and put them back wrong in subtle Frankenstein fashion. You’ll occasionally see this sort of thing on Battle Beasts. Their owners got tired of the basic figures and swapped the arms around. The problem was that Battle Beasts were never designed to have interchangeable arms, and much of the time kids just broke them.
As 1980s action figures go, Battle Beasts are sturdy; they’re made out of hard rubbery plastic, and their arms are the only moving parts. So when you see partly dismembered figures, they’re likely the result of someone’s failed experiment in customization. It’s also common for broken Beasts to just get their arms glued back on, so if you’re selling or buying these toys, consider some photos of Battle Beasts with their arms in different positions. Just a tip there.
Musky Ox has one of the less intimidating names among Battle Beasts, who go by everything from “War Weasel” and “Sly Fox” to “Bodacious Bovine” and “Ossified Orangutang.” My favorite from the first three series of toys would be “Wolfgang Walrus,” which could be a threatening adjective only if you’re Salieri in Amadeus.

BLUE EAGLE
The last wave of any toy line is usually the rarest, and for Battle Beasts that final run was called Laser Beasts in Japan and Shadow Warriors in the West. These replaced the rubsigns with crystal spheres that revealed fire, water, and wood symbols when you held them up to a light source. Japan got the entire Laser Beasts run while other markets had fewer types of creature available, and just about any figure in this final set is pricey today. So if you’re sorting through a tub of old toys at a garage sale, keep an eye out for Battle Beasts with that circle symbol.
Blue Eagle, with an admittedly limited blue coloration, is the only Laser Beast I own. That’s partly due to this being one of the more common figures from the set, at least as far as I can tell. I couldn’t capture it in pics, but that symbol has the wood icon inside. Because eagles can perch and nest in trees, that’s why.
Blue Eagle also reflects an unflattering memory. I had a bunch of Battle Beasts as a kid, and of course I wanted Laser Beasts. I spotted some, including Blue Eagle, in a German toy store once, but my mother forbade me from getting them, and I consequently threw a tantrum. It was the last time I remember getting mad over being denied a toy, and I was so embarrassed by the incident that I avoided buying any Laser Beasts even when I could easily afford them. I lucked into Blue Eagle through a friend of a friend decades afterwards, when I was well past the statute of limitations on my childhood shame.
Battle Beasts have seen only a few small revivals over the years, and sometimes those comebacks bear only limited resemblance to the 1980s line. That’s rare in a world where an entire quadrant of the toy industry specializes in serving up Ninja He-Man G.I. Joe Ghosbuster Transformer Turtles crossovers and “retro-play” reissues for middle-aged nostalgists, but then Battle Beasts were never a major name in the first place. And I like it that way, since rampant reissues and new versions of toys accurate to the originals would only tempt me to spend more money—and perhaps make me weary of such oversaturation.

The closest thing to an all-out Battle Beast revival was Beast Saga, a 2012 toy-and-media effort from Takara Tomy. The figures resemble Battle Beasts (or rather, Beastformers) that hash out their differences by launching dice instead of revealing their elemental allegiances. The Beast Saga toys are surprisingly high in quality for their price point and target audience, but the whole thing crashed quick and hard, leaving behind canceled figures and a middling anime series. It was also exclusive to Japan, aside from a dubbed version of the show that apparently aired on some satellite channels. This didn’t stop me from collecting a load of Beast Saga stuff, but that’s a story for another long and confessional post.
To return to that opening question, I’m not sure if Battle Beasts were my favorite childhood toy line when I was actually a child, considering all the competition. Yet they’ve risen through the ranks over the years, partly on account of their simplicity. They’re unobtrusive enough to store my entire collection in a shoebox, but crafted well enough that you can admire the design work in a two-inch figure of a cobra or beaver or sabertoothed tiger outfitted like a high-tech Roman gladiator. I think I’d like them even detached from any youthful ownership or memories of questionable fondness, just because they’re neat little toys.
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