The majority of games lack such warnings, of course. That sort of thing was seen mostly in Japanese releases during the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, when game companies felt the need to inform players of the best ways to care for the imposing technologies of CDs and game cartridges. My favorite little warning section comes from the manual for Phantasy Star III.
![I could say this guide is more fun than the game itself. But you know what? I feel sorta sorry for Phantasy Star III. Even though doesn't follow through on any of its better ideas, it's not THAT bad, and people seem to think that the first two Phantasy Stars are still AMAZING when neither has aged that well and furthermore](http://kidfenris.com/ps3safety1.png)
I don’t know Japanese well enough to fully translate this, but I’m not worried. I tried to do the same thing with a Demo Demo PlayStation cover, and someone dropped in to correct my largely wrong interpretation. So I’ll just translate this Phantasy Star III cartridge-care guide as best I can. It’ll all work out in the end.
![Please observe the following rules to ensure that your game cartridge is not damaged.](http://kidfenris.com/ps3safety2.png)
“Thank you for purchasing Phantasy Star III for the Sega Mega Drive, which is what we call the Genesis in Japan and Europe. Observe that the cartoon characters on the right are happy. If you are not happy while playing this game, the problem obviously lies entirely with YOU and not with the people who rushed the game through development, leaving in bugs and unexplored concepts. So it's YOUR fault.”
![Make sure your system is off before inserting or removing a cartridge, you imperceptive cretin.](http://kidfenris.com/ps3safety3.png)
“To turn on your Sega console, point at it and scream at the top of your lungs. Sega systems are hardened, manful devices that require verbal abuse to activate, unlike frail and sensitive Nintendo consoles.”
![Do not sit on the game cartridge, you fat moron.](http://kidfenris.com/ps3safety4.png)
“Your Phantasy Star III game cartridge is made of precision electronics. It can bring good luck to a woman if she sits upon it on the day of her wedding. However, if the cartridge emits comical star effects, the bride will know only shame and disappointment throughout her marriage.”
![Do not touch the cartridge's contacts, you meddlesome oaf.](http://kidfenris.com/ps3safety5.png)
“Do not attempt to sexually stimulate your Phantasy Star III cartridge by curiously stroking the contacts. Your Phantasy Star III cartridge has taken a vow of celibacy.”
![Do not subject the cartridge to extreme heat or harsh conditions, you careless halfwit.](http://kidfenris.com/ps3safety6.png)
“Do not take your Phantasy Star III cartridge out to the desert and stare at it with a look of simian contemplation while the green light of an alien sun beats down upon you and your curiously hovering game. You will find no enlightenment.”
![DO NOT CLEAN WITH BENZENE, THINNER, ALCOHOL, OR OTHER SUCH SOLVENTS.](http://kidfenris.com/ps3safety7.png)
“Do not attempt to call upon demons by soaking your Phantasy Star III cartridge in virgin blood. At best, you will summon only messy and disobedient eye creatures.”
![Take a break from playing every hour or so to rest your eyes. And DON'T DATE ROBOTS.](http://kidfenris.com/ps3safety8.png)
“While superficially similar to human beings, androids can be detected by observing their eyes during a Voight-Kampff test. Note that while Phantasy Star III allows you to marry and have children, you are not permitted to do either with the android characters, as this would be an abominable crime against God and nature.”
I *love* this article! Almost makes it worth buying PS3 again... almost ^^~
ReplyDeleteI would also like to say that the translation is 100010% accurate and anyone who disagrees obviously needs to spend time improving their Japanese with subbed episodes of Dominion Tank Police. So there :D