The 2008 Archive

Yes, Donald Pleasance, the talented actor known for his roles in You Only Live Twice and The Pumaman, phonetically inspired a useful exorcist who joins the player's group two hours into Tactics Ogre. I'm sure that, if he were alive today, Mr. Pleasance would find this rather amusing and would not sue anyone. Especially not Mr. Matsuno, who's had an apparently difficult time since he quit directing Final Fantasy XII two-thirds of the way through.

Here's the important thing about The Sky Crawlers: among Mamoru Oshii's movies, it sets a new record for going from zero to basset hound. Oshii puts his favorite dog in just about every film for which he holds the reins, and he makes sure that a basset hound shows up around the five-minute mark in The Sky Crawlers.

As for the rest of the movie, it's Oshii being Oshii. There are many, many staring contests and lengthy silences endured by the cast of glum, perpetually teenage pilots in some vague alternate version of World War II's European air war, with enough coffee and cigarette references to invite comparisons to Coleman Francis' classic The Skydivers. The pace eventually quickens and leads to some impressive CG dogfights, but it's still an Oshii movie through and through, and anyone who wants their alterna-WWII story without frequent pauses (and sub-pauses) can safely head for the door.

But I'll stay. I like Oshii's style, and I liked The Sky Crawlers. In fact, I like it more each time I think about it. There's a refreshingly emotional edge to Oshii's usual stilted tone this time around, and it ties in well to every broader theme in the story. Oshii doesn't wimp out when it comes to the finale, either, and that's always a plus for me. I'll give it a proper review, with stolen screenshots and a pointless rating and everything, once I sort out my opinion.

However, I was surprised to learn that Oshii intended it as a crowd-pleaser. He reportedly vowed to quit directing if The Sky Crawlers wasn't a success, and yet I can't imagine anyone making a movie like this with the intent of winning over the typical movie-goer. It may lack Ghost in the Shell 2's ridiculous quote competitions, yet it's still slow, depressing, and a lot of other things that a lot of people won't like. While I hope I'm wrong about that, the audience around me seemed less than enthused. Someone in the theater was snoring twenty minutes into The Sky Crawlers, and as I walked out after the ending (stay through the credits), a knot of kids in front of me spoke loudly of how the film was heavy-handed, how it had no point, and how Oshii “used to be good.” All this at the movie's New York premiere.

I'd like to see The Sky Crawlers do well, not least of all because Oshii always looks like the unhappiest man on Earth whenever he's on camera. I doubt he'll really quit, and he should know better by now. Countless live-action directors learn to accept that their most honest creations will never be mainstream hits, as they have the luxury of a market that makes off-the-radar movies profitable and rewarding. Yes, non-biographical animated films have it tough in the indie sector, but it's where Oshii's future most likely rests, basset hounds and all.

There is, however, one major problem with the game, and I mentioned it only casually in the column. That problem is Wylfred's double ponytail. Koh and Yoh Yoshinari do amazing characters designs, so I'm at a loss to explain why they made an otherwise respectable hero look like the Valkyrie Profile version of Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog. No one likes Tails.

Wylfred's hairstyle can only be redeemed if he has some secret attack that involves him whirling his ponytails around like a helicopter, lifting into the air, and dive-bombing an enemy. Perhaps that shows up if you beat the game's bonus Seraphic Gate twelve times without dying and use items only when the game's timer shows a multiple of three in the minutes column. That would be less annoying than what the game already requires of you in order to recruit certain characters.

There are cracks in this acclaimed façade, of course. The game's use of the Unreal Engine 3 has sown lag and other visible shortcomings, and the gameplay is the creation of Akitoshi Kawazu and other designers from the SaGa series, which is highly experienced at pissing potential down its collective leg. The story carries a stale aroma, too, though it's not so much the tale of a determined hero out to uncover secrets as it is dialogue like “There's something about that guy.” In this case “that guy” is the Conqueror, a grumpy old man who wears robes dyed red with the blood of his slain enemies. It's the stuff of anime parodies, not the company that once brought us Final Fantasy XII's uncommonly elegant localization.

Yet there's one reason to look forward to The Last Remnant, and her deceptively silly name is Emma Honeywell.

Emma's the leader of an influential clan in The Last Remnant's world, and she serves as a maternal companion to another supporting character, the British-sounding David Nassau. More importantly, Emma looks exactly like you'd expect a 41-year-old warrior to look in a stylized medieval realm. No chainmail bra, no bared midriff, no unrealistic nonsense (that's all for the antagonists). And, as this clip reveals, she's not some sweetly deferential matriarch. Yes, the efficiently dressed older woman of battle is a cliché in fantasy circles, but it's a cliché that video games should jump on a little more often.

It may be that Emma's the sacrificial mom of the piece; her quote mentions protecting her liege city with her life, so perhaps she's here just to throw herself on the blood-red villain's sword and motivate the rest of the heroes. I only hope she'll raise the bar on her way down.

Little did I realize that an uproar was exactly what tri-Ace wanted, as proven by a Sofmap store in Akihabara becoming the scene of self-created advertising controversy last week. Clerks pointed out that the game's official art seems to show Lenneth without due undergarments, as Tiny Cartridge reported from Akiblog, a site that sometimes conjures up an amusing story amid headlines like “Highlights of Kannagi Vol. 6: Armpit! Small Boobs! Thighs!” Apparently this is in line with Japanese anime nerds' collective terminology for fictional women who appear to be going commando but maintain a lingering sense of mystery about their lower regions. Yes, they're that specific about the practice. There can be no hope for these people.

Congratulations, tri-Ace. You've taken a game heroine who was once a bastion of dignity and reduced her to the same level as any other hand-drawn schoolgirl hiking up a skirt as she turns flat, viscous eyes on a socially backward expanse of Akihabara regulars. Fortunately, there will be far less of this when Valkyrie Profile: The Accused One comes out in North America next March, even if they're calling the English version “Covenant of the Plume."

And in case you're wondering: Yes. She does. Don't ask how I know.

Oh, and everyone's a penguin. Every character in the film except for the hero's pet bird (slavery!) is a fat little cartoon penguin. The movie's completely serious in every other respect: its scenery, its dialogue, its story of a traumatized veteran learning how to live again. But everyone's a penguin.

It's called Penguin Memories (or Penguin's Memory: Shiawase Monogatari), and it's up on YouTube in its entirety. There are no subtitles, but the movie is so clichéd that it's quite easy to discern the general plot. It's also a relatively slow film after the initial battlefield trauma, and not knowing the exact nature of the penguins' conversations takes something out of it. I suspect that the parts I didn't understand are just as trite as the parts I did, but, hey, it's not every movie that puts penguins in the middle of an avian Tet Offensive and then leaves a survivor to wander his homeland with PTSD and a blank, vaguely disconcerting stare. Nor do many films end with two penguins making out in a car in the middle of a highway. Two stout, blue, cutesy anime penguins.

Penguin Memories apparently grew out of Suntory's penguin-themed cartoon commercials of the 1980s, which tackled similar pulp-drama subjects with flightless waterfowl characters. You'll note that the singer in this one has the same hat-thing as the female penguin lead in the movie.

Many of those discussing the film seem to think it's tied to Konami's penguins, they of Parodius and Penguin Adventure notoriety. I can't find any connection between the games and the Suntory-sponsored anime film, however, so I suspect that Japan was just a little crazy about cartoon penguins in the mid-'80s. And I approve of that.

Out of the fucking park, I'd say. Too bad it didn't get better music.

Yet Yoshinari does some of his best work as an animator, as shown by this clip collection (or a MAD, as they call it in Japan). Yes, I know that fan-made music videos of any source are typically the filth of YouTube and proof that no one under 20 should be permitted online, but this particular video shows off one of Yoshinari's key talents: he blows shit up real good.

And here's another one. Even a terrible show like Mahoromatic looks fun when you've got Yoh Yoshinari handling explosions.

Koh Yoshinari, Yoh's sibling and his collaborator on the Valkyrie Profile art, is an animator as well. I'm all but convinced that Koh is Yoh's older brother, but some sources seem to think that Koh is Yoh's twin sister, even though the Valkyrie Profile artbook shows that they were born three years apart. Untill I get some direct, official word on this, I will choose pronouns carefully. Anyway, Koh also animates stuff, including creepy big-eyed girls and a possibly creepier rooster-thing.

On the subject of Valkyrie Profile: The Accused One, the official site has filled in all but one of its character slots. Meanwhile, the official staff journal gives us a harrowing glimpse of how Ailyth would look when catering to the lowest form of anime fan.

This is not an emissary of the underworld, Mr. Director. This is everything Valkyrie Profile should never be.

I'm still looking forward to this, because it reminds me of Cowboy Bebop. It should, seeing as how Manglobe is bringing in Bebop's director as a music producer. Manglobe also interests me in a way. Sure, they've made only two shows, but I liked them. Samurai Champloo came together nicely, and I even enjoyed Ergo Proxy despite it being the most achingly pretentious thing ever animated.

But I hate the little girl already. I've always hated kid sidekicks who are tough and sensible and wise beyond their years. They were an annoying fixture of cinema long before anime started exploiting them.

The game was in one of those old table cabinets, and not the typical bar-room kind. The cabinet was shorter than usual and decorated with a tree-and-leaves pattern, like you'd see on a school desk designed for a 5-year-old.

I wanted to play it, but I was all OH GOD WHAT IF SOMEONE SEES ME HUNCHED OVER THIS KIDDIE TABLE. Clearly this symbolized my insecurity about enjoying video games and my subconscious belief that they were juvenile and beneath me even when I was a teenager.

I hate it when I dream about video games.

I'm not shocked by the shameless courting of base hormonal impulses, since Atlus did the same thing for the first game. I am, however, shocked by the second poster showing what appears to be, at a glance, an erect, flesh-colored phallus emerging from the water around Izuna's crotch.

A closer look reveals that it's just a knee belonging to Shino, the dark-haired girl sitting more daintily in the upper corner. Still, it's a shame that the first poster won the vote, as people who'd hang these on their walls deserve to get weird looks for reasons they never intended.

That wasn't always the plan. GameArts' original ideas for Lunar II: Eternal Blue called for the main cast from Lunar: The Silver Star to return, older and perhaps as supporting characters. That's what some early concept illustrations from Softbank's Lunar I and II artbook show, anyway. I've never seen these online anywhere, so I decided to scan them and finally get some use out of the book. I bought it in Japan during the height of my RPG obsession, after giving up on finding the Xenogears art collection.

Alex, the hero, was a kid with a harp and a fur hat in the first game. For the second, he became a lumberjack and grew one hell of a mullet, while his passive love interest, Luna, started wearing makeup.

Mia looks a lot like she did in the first game. Oh well.

Alex's fat, worthless friend Ramus, who stayed in the party for about five minutes in the first Lunar, got a monocle and cigar for Lunar II. From the look of it, Jessica didn't change much at all.

The book also has illustrations of Nash and Kyle, but they looked exactly like they did in the first game. You can see Kyle drunk and passed out in this storyboard shot. I don't know if it's a planned scene from Lunar II or an unused movie sequence from The Silver Star.

Finally, I scanned this. It could be a discarded idea for a mini-game, but that's...unlikely.

My interest in this game is now up about a hundred notches. To a total of 103 notches.

To sum it up: a villain is shown casually reading the book in one episode, someone notices it years later through an Arabic bootleg of the series, and people on forums complain. In response, the Japanese publisher issues a letter of apology, explaining that the animators simply used the book as a prop. Then that same publisher halts shipments of both the anime series and the manga for the time being.

If any Muslim extremists are reading this, I would like to call their attention to this completely unaltered image from a Japanese cartoon known as Lucky Star.

Again, that's Lucky Star, published by Kadokawa Pictures and sold throughout Japan and North America. For the time being.

The important thing here is that Yoshiura's next project, Eve no Jikan, is finally coming to light. A trailer showed up at the official website, introducing what appears to be the first of several stories about a world where androids are commonplace and distinguished from humans only by hi-tech halos and bovine gazes.

It seems to be a remake of Yoshiura's nine-minute Aquatic Language short, right down to the coffee shop peopled by friendly robots. Less promising are all the ingredients you'd need for some terrible farce aimed at otaku shut-ins: a glasses-wearing kid is shown prominently, and there's a ready selection of android girls for him to get embarrassed over.

But this is Yoshiura, and I expect something closer to a detailed character study about just how cheap sentience could be in a world of humanoid machines (a real study; not that fetishy Chobits horseshit). I've yet to see a release date for Eve no Jikan, though, so it might be a while before I find out just how many doomed hopes I can throw its way.

The Tower of Druaga: The Aegis of Uruk
Having realized that they're making a TV show out of a plotless 1984 arcade game and its descendents, the staff put together a first episode that parodies an entire season of fantasy clichés in 20 minutes. Like most anime comedies, there's a 3-to-1 ratio of lousy jokes to funny ones, but the resulting mockery (and a climax apparently animated by Gurren Lagann's Hiroyuki Imaishi) is surprisingly tolerable. Too bad it'll probably switch to halfway-straight schlock for the rest of the series.
Revised Value Estimate: Two honestly earned American dollars for this particular episode. Three if you were willing to sit through Imaishi's Dead Leaves.

Blassreiter
I wanted Ichiro Itano's new show to be some endearingly stupid mash-up of ridiculous, gory demon-machine battles and whackjob anti-American ranting. The first episode has neither; the soggy dramatic moments verge on unintended comedy, and Itano's brand of visual overkill is made bloodless and boring by jarring, ugly CG work. It's disappointing all around, though you could find some humor in the logic-defying battles and frequently hideous supporting cast.
Revised Value Estimate: Twenty-five cents. Fifty if you enjoy laughing at things like this.

You can watch The Tower of Druaga and Blassreiter for free, but Crunchyroll's putting forth another offer. Pay any amount you want, Radiohead-style, and you can download the high-definition episodes. This raises a hard question: exactly how much should you pay for what will likely be watch-once diversions?

Technically, you shouldn't give Crunchyroll any money because the site's founders are human filth and profit from stolen content, but if you really want to pay, feel free to use the following cost calculator. We'll start with $1.99, which is what the kids seem to give up for a single TV episode on iTunes, and work things out from there.

-Based on a videogame. Subtract one whole dollar.
-Based on an old Namco dungeon-crawler with so little plot that the anime will be mostly new material anyway. Add 10 cents.
-Made by Gonzo and does not involve Mahiro Maeda. Subtract 75 cents.
-Probably won't feature the heroine from Namco's The Legend of Valkyrie arcade game. Subtract 10 cents.
-Directed by Koichi Chigira of the Full Metal Panic anime's first season. Subtract 20 cents.
-Soundtrack by Final Fantasy XII composer Hitoshi Sakimoto. Add 50 cents.
-Scripted by Shoji Gatoh, the author of the Full Metal Panic! novels. Add 3 cents.

Total: $0.57

-Director Ichiro Itano may showcase his “Itano Circus” style of midair missile-dodging, like he did in Macross all those years ago. Add 10 cents.
-Itano may also showcase bugfuck-crazy conspiracies about psychic nuclear amazon assassins controlled by Jewish-American Wall Street Space Bankers, like he did in Angel Cop all those years ago. Add 50 cents.
-Made by Gonzo and does not involve Mahiro Maeda. Subtract 75 cents.
-Main character is described as a dark hero with a mysterious past. Subtract 25 cents.
-Female lead is described as capable and assertive. Add 10 cents.
-Female lead also exposes cleavage despite being an elite investigator. Add 5 cents. (If you're planning to watch this in the presence of people whose respect you value, subtract 20 cents.)
-Scripted by the writer of the Witchblade anime. Subtract 50 cents.
-Set in Germany, thus opening the door for all manner of amusingly incorrect Germanisms. Add 10 cents.

Total: $1.34/1.09

As magazine previews like these reveal, however, Lenneth's outnumbered by Wilfred and his semi-human allies, and they're all part of a battle system that's still without much detail. It has the Full Meter Ultra Combo Magical Desperation attacks of the previous two Valkyrie Profiles, but it remains to be seen just how it'll play out with a DS and a stylus.

Also frustrating is that illustration of Lenneth with her skirts aflutter like some graceless floozy.

That is not the way of things, tri-Ace.

But that time is not yet at hand, because tri-Ace is making Valkyrie Profile: The Accused One for the DS, and I am once again a madman.

All we have so far are a few screens, a magazine spread, and the basic pitch: the story's about Wilfred (above), a silvery-haired young swordsman who hates Valkyries because they ruined his life or possibly because he's crazy and thinks they're evil feminine voids. He's given a magic feather by Hel, goddess of the underworld, and sets out to get his revenge on the Aesir. Bright lad.

His friend Ansel and an underworld emissary named Elise/Eris/Aeris (seen above) join Wilfred, and Lenneth appears to be the focus of his anti-Valkyrie extremism.

Yes, there's no word on the battle system or on how it'll play out with a filthy mortal as the lead, but my optimism will remain for two reaons: 1) It has art by You Yoshinari and Kou Yoshinari, the siblings who designed the cast of the original game and did some illustrations for the second. 2) It's Valkyrie Profile.

There's also a new spate of screenshots, suggesting that someone at Treasure took a good look at their catalog and realized that, unlike every other action-game developer on the planet, they've never blatantly ripped off H.R. Giger. Bangai-O Spirits fixes that.

One thing still un-addressed is the game's use of reflecting lasers. Yet I'm now willing to accept that there might not be any, and that it's almost a fair trade if we get hundreds of levels and the ability to customize and transfer them through sound. I'll still complain about the lasers, of course, but I won't really mean it.

But let's remember that the charm of the original Bangai-O lay mostly in its cast of enemies, so all should be well as long as Ruri and Masato run across tree-headed spirit guides and schoolyard nemeses and women who communicate by drawing pictures and robot superheroes who dress up as brides to disrupt yakuza marriages.

The site's “Weapon” section isn't open yet, so I still can't tell whether or not Spirits will have two different projectile types to go along with its two leads. I don't want to lose the original game's reflecting lasers, Treasure. I defended you when you yanked most of the weapons from Gunstar Super Heroes, but if Bangai-O comes to the DS without lasers, there will be consequences. Dire ones.

Yep. Chocobo Gummies. I must've bought them back in 1997, during my first trip to Japan, and then thrown them in the closet upon realizing I had no idea of what to do with them. They're over ten years old, and eight years past their expiration dates.

The candy rattles around like little rocks when I shake the bags. I'm tempted to open one, but there's the outside chance that these are actually worth something to somebody. Square fans always pay stupid amounts for rare merchandise, right?

The bidding will start at ten dollars. Per gummi.

Besides, look at the cover and its weirdly Caucasian version of Kickle. I wouldn't have touched that when I was eleven.

Remember Hammerin' Harry, the old Irem arcade game? Yeah, I barely do, and that's why this news surprised me. The character art for the new Harry looks considerably generic, but it's an improvement on the cover of the NES port that was never released in America.

It's also nice to see a company dip into largely forgotten stretches of gaming history and haul up both a new PSP title and a free online cartoon. Next: shows based on Cadash, Wardner and J.J. Squawkers.

I realize that this whole pricey Japanese model culture stems from limited production runs, a small venue of customers and the fact that most of what I just called "crap" is actually well-made, in a strictly technical sense. It's just that I can't see myself ever spending upwards of $80 on, well, a toy.

There are times when I'm tempted, though. The recent Soul of Chogokin Gunbuster may be two hundred bucks, but it would fit so damn nicely with both my stupid Gunbuster affection and those childhood dreams of owning the giant Transformers that my parents never got me. Then there came along Alter's surprisingly unsuggestive Motoko Kusanagi piece, which I thought about buying when I saw it for fifty bucks in some Tokyo store. That thought passed.

The latest temptation came last month, when Shueisha made this figure of Alita from Yukito Kishiro's Battle Angel Alita manga. I like the series, even in its padded recent installments, and the first time I read it I couldn't help but think that all of its cyborgs and mutants and other sharply designed characters would make some kick-ass toys. I'm surprised a company took so long to agree with my young and dorky self.

Of course, the figure comes in a special package that includes a volume of Battle Angel short stories and costs about sixty bucks. And I wasn't getting one. Nope. Wasn't gonna.

Well, not without seeing it first.

Fortunately, there's a Japanese bookstore at the local mall, and it has a few of the toy-and-manga sets. The figure is a little over five inches tall, and it ain't pretty. The sculptor tried to emulate those pursed octopus-lips that Kishiro sometimes draws on Alita, and it makes the toy look like a buck-toothed squirrel cyborg. Here's proof. One of the figures at the store even had a lazy eye.

I thought about buying one and flipping it on eBay, where people seem to be selling them for an extra twenty bucks. But I won't. No one deserves to pay $16 per inch for this.

I also forgot to mention the Trojan arcade flyer. It's actually not that bad of an illustration on the whole, but there's one thing about it that cracks me up: Trojan Guy's face.

The flyer doubled as the NES game's cover art, though it was boxed in by the same hi-tech, neon-is-the-future grid than Capcom used for all of its early NES releases. And that's a shame, because it made Trojan Guy way too small for us to appreciate his baleful, huge-chinned visage. He's going to destroy the fuck out of those evil ones.

But man, do I like El Viento. It's hardly the best action-platform game for the old Sega Genesis, but I can't get enough of all the thoroughly insane crap that Wolf Team threw into it with no regard for logic or cohesion. This delicate theme runs through the game itself, what with Al Capone driving a hi-tech tank (in the 1920s, no less) on the first level, Annet surfing on a dolphin in the fourth stage, and the second level being a Mount Rushmore maze full of trampolines and smiley-faced gun turrets.

Yet it's even more nuts in the story sequences, which are nonsensical mash-ups of Indiana Jones movies, Prohibition gangster stuff and vaguely Lovecraftian conspiracies about burbling preternatural gibbous squamous eldritch horrors from unknowable realms beyond the veils of space and time. It's also hard to tell just who's saying what, since almost every cutscene consists of a single bizarrely framed image.

This one's my favorite. It's like that picture-making minigame in Super Mario Bros. 3, but someone screwed up by landing on anime Al Capone's face instead of Annet's authentic native Peruvian belly shirt.

And that's El Viento, probably the twenty-fourth or twenty-fifth best game I played last year. Happy 2008, everyone.